“And His Heart Grew Three Sizes that Day”

Theres nothing quite like the thought of the future for inspiring both overwhelming excitement, and gut wrenching fear.
For me, the fear of everything I have ending and I being left with nothing is weighed against the desire to move to a city and audition and try my hand at ‘making it.’

I’m at a crossroads at the moment deciding what I want to do with the next year of my life, I’m confident that very soon it will no longer include Disney.
I’ve been around the world with Disney for the past three years, this company has given me all the skills I’ve learned, all the money I’ve saved and all the experiences I’ve had.
I’m really grateful to Disney for what it’s given me, but I can feel within myself that I’ve gained and given everything I can. I’m done.
I think we all know deep down when we’re done with what we have, and it’s useless to continue to force yourself through the motions of the job once you’ve reached that point.
I vacation to Australia in just under three weeks, then I’ll probably return for a couple months in Alaska, then return to Australia and start again.

Never one to risk starting from scratch without at least a few casting directors around the world reading my cv and re-watching my audition tapes, I do have a few possible jobs I’ll discover the results of in the near future.
The one I’m most hopeful for is for a role with Disney’s director competitor in Asia, another is for a much smaller company in Europe and another for a role within casting in my home country of Australia.
Asia is of course the goal, I’ve made no secret of my constant craving to be there, particularly in China. I still have a plan to go to China again this year, but it’s now postponed to November instead of April so that I can go for longer. Hopefully two months this time, half of that time spent in Kunming learning Mandarin, tai chi and calligraphy (total dream come true).

The test is going to be how effectively I can leave my relationships here at Disney Cruise Line and face a future of potentially not seeing these people again. It was tough leaving Disney World for this reason, and I found myself pining for a few of these relationships for quite a while. The added challenge of leaving a cruise ship is the proximity you spent with friends while you lived on board. You spend all day and night with these people, and depend on them for everything. Emotional support systems that use to be carried by 20 friends and your family are now being carried on the shoulders of 5 friends and no family, be assured these friends become family very quickly.
I can count on one hand the number of people that will rip my heart out when I leave them, and it’s gonna be hell to go from seeing them constantly and relying on them for everything, to losing them entirely. I have always put career and travel above everything else, including people, and I’ve always been very open about that priority order. 
This way of thinking has cost me friends and relationships in the past, both of which I’ve given up for the sake of ambition, and even now I don’t regret it.
But now I find that I can think of two people alive that if they asked me to give up everything and immigrate to their country, I would probably do it. This change has either come with age, a change of thinking, an increasing ability to love, or a new discovery of how strongly I can attach to people.
Luckily neither of these people know who they are, and if they do they don’t know that I would give up everything I have for them.
Right now I’m formulating a plan that I’m calling ‘Plan B’, and it’s basically the plan for the next year that will exist if everything I audition for falls through.
It’s a rather morbid plan in that it contains nearly no earning, but it’s fun.
It contains two vacations (that combine to be more that three months of the year, three very expensive months).
It has a few acting workshops in it, plenty of travel, and a lot of cafes, eating and no less than 8 cities in which to do this.
If I come out of this year with any assets or free cash at all I’ll be both very lucky and happy, but hopefully at least one casting director alive will take me on and I’ll be able to have a non-Disney adventure.

I’m still working out what to do with my growing problem of gaining less disposable relationships, but I’m growing as a person and I’m sure the answer will reveal itself someday soon. Or maybe I’ll pack my bags and relocate to where the love is, I’ve done crazier things 😉

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One thought on ““And His Heart Grew Three Sizes that Day”

  1. I love this post, and I know this feeling well. It’s all good when you go in with one set of priorities but then your heart has a mind of its own. The ultimate betrayal!

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