So you’ve spent a reasonable amount of time in China and you’ve had lots of sex while enjoying your awesome new life and kick-ass job. But whether because of a burning sensation in your nethers or because a reasonable amount of time and partners have passed, it’s time for you to be tested for disease.
I was tested in Auckland before moving to China so that I wouldn’t have to worry about it for as long as possible while enjoying my new city, so I didn’t think that I’d have a story to tell in this area.
Soon after moving to China however I felt like I may have become infected, despite being safe during my sexual misadventures most of the time. Despite my efforts I was exhibiting some troubling symptoms and went to a Chinese hospital to sort it out and discovered I’d picked up a yeast infection that would be cured after a round of antibiotics.
I didn’t feel completely out of the woods yet though so after wandering the internet I found the Shanghai Skin Disease and STD Clinic and decided to get the disease thought out of my head once and for all.
So after much internet searching and googling mapping I wandered into the clinic on my day off and found it a lot easier to navigate than the hospital.
It’s just one level high and the receptionist spoke English, she took my money and pointed me in the direction of the waiting room for me to wait for a check.
After waiting an hour in the waiting room the doctor saw me and asked my symptoms before asking me to drop my pants. This was a relief after my experience in the conventional hospital wherein the doctor had no interest in my junk.
After dropping my pants and standing there with everything — hanging out — the doctor put on gloves and came at me with what looked like a white needle.
My first reaction was to grab my junk and ask him to explain what the hell was happening, but he calmly explained (in the best English he could muster) that this was a thin swab that he had to insert into my urethra to gather a sample to test for disease.
This archaic method has some really terrible reviews online, people have complained of bleeding, swelling and other such symptoms so naturally I was very put off this man and his soft yet menacing penis needle.
After careful thought I deduced that if I had left the clinic to avoid the swab I’d have to search (perhaps in vain) for somewhere that detected disease in conventional ways, such as testing all my fluids, and I didn’t have the energy for that so I closed my eyes and let it happen to me.
My fears were proven right at least in part, there wasn’t any blood or swelling but over the next few days I did develop bruising around the urethric region.
Once the penis stabbing was over I went to the blood center on the other side of the clinic for the blood test.
This method also feels very outdated as the technician crudely pushes a needle connected to a short clear tube into your arm and feeds your blood through the tube until it drips directly into two empty vials. You only have to wait an hour for the results for the syphilis test but the results for HIV takes two days.
This is my first experience getting my sexual health tested in Shanghai and it was a very classic example of how you hear about Chinese tests being.
I won’t be going back to the same center next time because of my nether-bruises, but I’m not sure where to go instead. Does anyone have any recommendations? I’m hoping other people are having better experiences getting their sexual health tested and staying healthy and happy.
Oh! And not that you asked, but I’m disease free so yay! But next time I check I’ll probably do it while visiting my home country.